Beware of Pride

As a society, we are prideful.  We take pride in our material possessions, our accomplishments, our family, and our activities. Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, “Every mortal has at least a casual, if not intimate relationship, with the sin of pride. No one has avoided it. Few overcome it.”  President Ezra Taft Benson gave a General Conference talk thirty years ago. He talked about the sin of pride. He said, “I earnestly seek an interest in your faith and prayers as I strive to bring forth light on this Book of Mormon message—the sin of pride.  This message has been weighing heavily on my soul for some time. I know the Lord wants this message delivered now.”  (Benson 1989) That statement causes me to note the importance of his message.  He continues, “Pride is a very misunderstood sin, and many are sinning in ignorance.” To briefly summarize his talk and touch on the features of pride, I will use the acronym PRIDE.

• Pit our will against God’s—My will, not thine be done.
• Rebellion—we resist God’s word and the spiritual guidance from our leaders
• Increasingly offended—we look for excuses to be the victim.
• Disobedience—power struggle against someone in authority over us.
• Enmity toward God and our fellowman. Enmity is feeling hatred or hostility.

Pride manifests itself in every aspect of our life. I am guilty of this sin even though I may not recognize my actions as being prideful. In marriage, pride can tear a relationship apart.  In the book, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,” H. Wallace Goddard states, “When we are feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse, we have our back toward heaven. We are guilty of pride.”(2009) I don’t know of a married couple who hasn’t felt annoyed or irritated with each other in their relationship.  However, those who can overcome the sin of pride, will make amends and look for the good in one another.

How can we overcome pride?  In his talk, President Benson tells us, “The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, submissiveness.  It is the broken heart and the contrite spirit.” (Benson)When we are humble, we apologize for our offenses.  We recognize our imperfections and shortcomings, but we don’t beat ourselves up because of them. We pray for guidance and help in our daily activities, then listen to the promptings of the Holy Ghost. We acknowledge the strengths and talents of others and lift them up. We don’t take on the attitude, “it serves them right” when something bad happens to someone else, instead, we show compassion and charity.

I love the Primary song, “I’m Trying to be Like Jesus.”  If we follow the advice given in the song’s chorus, we can overcome pride and build relationships within our family and community.

  

“Love one another as Jesus loves you. 

Try to show kindness in all that you do. 

Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought, 

For these are the things Jesus taught."

References

Uchtdorf, D.F., General Conference (2010) “Pride and the priesthood” Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/pride-and-the-priesthood?lang=eng

Benson, E.T., General Conference (1989) “Beward of pride”, Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng

Goddard, W.H.,PhD, (2009) Drawing heaven into your marriage.  Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing

Turning Toward Each Other

Building trust in a marriage is very important.   In the book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” John M. Gottman declares that as a husband and wife turn toward each other, they are building mutual trust. Turning toward one another can be an easy thing to do.  It may be as simple as helping with the dishes, going for a walk together, discussing the events of the day, or even sitting next to each other in church.  This may seem trivial, but there are great benefits to doing this.  Gottman states, “Each time partners turn toward each other, they’re funding what I’ve come to call their emotional bank account.  They are building up savings that, like money in the bank, can serve as a cushion when times get rough. Because they have stored an abundance of goodwill, such couples are less likely to teeter over into distrust and chronic negativity during hard times.” (p. 88-89) Gottman continues, “The first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these mini-moments are, not only to your marriage’s trust level, but to its ongoing sense of romance.” (p.89)  When trials and tribulations come into a marriage, it may be harder to turn toward each other.  One partner may feel uncomfortable dealing with the trial and avoids it. 

Five years ago, I developed a severe eye infection called Acanthamoeba Keratitis. Because it is so rare, my doctor misdiagnosed.  The treatment given me for the first two weeks made it worse, and by the time I received the correct treatment, the pain was excruciating. I walked the floors day and night trying to get relief. The cure was almost as bad as the infection.  I had seven different eye drops, two of which were chlorine drops, that I put in my eye almost every hour. Andy did not know what to do.  He didn’t know how to turn toward me at first. He wanted to avoid the trial and hope it would go away. He ended up being a trooper.  He not only took time off from work to take me to the doctor every couple of days, but helped me with the chores around the house. While I sequestered myself in a darkened room, trying to find relief from the pain, he would visit with me, tell me events of the day, and bring me what I needed. After dealing with the pain for almost three weeks, my family and ward had a fast for me.  Andy gave me a blessing, and the pain subsided. Thinking back on that time, I realize how important it was for both Andy and I to turn toward each other. As a side note, after months of treatment and two corneal transplants, the sight in that eye never returned, but I have  no pain or infection.

Even though it was a difficult time, we had built up an emotional bank account throughout the years that allowed us to face this trial head on. I trusted Andy to care for me and love me regardless of the shape I was in. We also learned to turn toward and trust our Heavenly Father for strength and peace.  In the book, “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage,” H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, states, “When we have the eternal perspective on our marriages, everything is different.  Filled with faith, we might adapt Jesus’ advice as our mantra: ‘Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not’ (D&C 6:36).” (p.59)  As we put trust in each other and in God, our marriage is blessed with love, peace, and healing.

References

John M. Gottman, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Copyright 2015; published by Harmony Books, New York.

H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,"  2009, Joymap Publishing, Cedar Hills, Utah.

Let's Check Out Our Love Map

      The other day, my Relief Society President called to see if Andy and I would be part of the Newlywed game at our Ward Relief Society dinner.  She said, “I figured since you and Andy have been married a long time, you’ll know things about one another that our actual newlyweds won’t know.”  I consented and hung up from that conversation filled with fear and trepidation.  The day before the phone call, I asked Andy if he knew which school I am working at this year.  He admitted that he didn’t!  We are in trouble!

       Some married couples (like Andy and I) have a tendency to go about everyday activities, assuming they know what’s happening in the details of their spouse’s life, when, in fact, there are many attributes such as; likes, dislikes, fears, hopes, dreams, favorites, work places, and other details that go unnoticed.   In the book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” we read about love maps. John M Gottman, the author of the book, says:
       " . . . Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world.  I call this having a richly detailed love map---my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’ life.  Another way of saying this is that these couples have made plenty of cognitive room for their marriage." (Gottman, 2015, p.54)

     A map can lead to hidden treasure or a destination.  For me, a love map leads  to hidden treasure as I learn more about Andy. It also helps both of us get to the destination of a happy, thriving, and eternal marriage.  The more we know about  one another, the more we love each other.  Gottman states, “There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling  known and understood.” (p.57)

      Gottman has included in his book, sixty questions for couples to answer that will deepen their knowledge of each other and strengthen their love map. Andy and I discussed the questions.  Not only did I learn more about him, but I also learned about myself.  Some questions required thought and reflection, allowing me to dig deep emotionally. It was a good exercise that helped each of us get to know and appreciate the other even better.

       In the October 2009, General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Henry B. Eyring talked about showing love to our companions.  He gave us suggestions of how to nurture this love. He states:
       "Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small.  Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion."
   
      Building our love map will help facilitate President Eyring's suggestions. As I mentioned previously, I have learned many things about Andy that will help me pray in a way that will bring joy and happiness to his life and to our marriage.  I also learned that Andy’s favorite color is red.  I hope that’s one of the Newlywed game questions!

References

Gottman, J.M., (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Harmony Books

Eyring, H.B. October 2009 General Conference. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/10/our-perfect-example?lang=eng

You Have a Friend in Me!

     I once heard someone state, “Marriage is a crapshoot!  The outcome is unpredictable!”  I wondered at the time if that was true. I know of marriages that have failed--ending in divorce, separation, or continuing as an intact, but emotionless union.  What makes a marriage work?  Is it love, communication, compromise, respect, or similar interests?

     In the book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” John Gottman states, “. . . Happy marriages are based on deep friendship.  By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.  These couples tend to know each other intimately-they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams.” (p.21)   I believe that friendship is a culmination of the qualities I mentioned earlier.  It may take a little while to develop a deep friendship, as Gottman states, and know each other intimately, but it will come if we try.

     The first three months of my marriage were a bit rocky.  Before marriage, my husband, Andy, and I lived forty-five miles apart. After our wedding, I moved away from everything familiar and excitedly set up house in his hometown.  The first week was bliss! We had so much fun getting to know one another and settling into our new routines. Andy was going to school so I needed a full-time job to help support his endeavor. My father-in-law helped me secure a job at a trucking company as the front desk receptionist. I HATED that job!  It was all I could do to get up in the morning and go to work. My husband knew that I didn't love the job, but I did not want to bring any negativity into our marriage, so I kept the hate inside, unable to communicate my true feelings. I wanted to quit the job, but did not want to look like an irresponsible person in the eyes of my new husband, father-in-law, and employer.  I felt trapped and found myself longing for my previous life.

My husband's rendition of my feelings after our first month of marriage. 

    I became despondent, unable or unwilling to communicate my feelings.  One evening, my husband firmly, but with great patience, insisted I tell him everything. After spilling my guts, he suggested I quit the job, even though I had told him of my concerns.  He suggested we fast and pray so that I would have the courage and strength to talk to my boss.  I did quit my job, which lifted a burden from our marriage.  We were back to having bliss in our marriage, and I found a new job that I enjoyed. Through this ordeal, I learned the importance of communication, love, respect, and friendship.

     Gottman states that a “mutual understanding of each other on a core emotional level” is called attunement, and may take some time and work to achieve that level. He continues to say, "as we develop attunement, the more our friendship will deepen and the more promising our future”. Andy and I did not have that mutual understanding when we were first married, but we have developed it over the years.

     Marriage is a journey that has hills and valleys.  There will be unpredictable events during this journey, but couples can work together to make the road smoother by nurturing their friendship and by "follow[ing] after righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience and meekness" (Timothy 6:11).  In the October, 2007, General Conference, Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin proclaimed, “True love (friendship) lasts forever.  It is eternally patient and forgiving.  It believes, hopes, and endures all things.”  This love and friendship is what I continually strive for in my marriage.

References

Gottman, John M. (2015) "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." New York, Harmony Books

Wirthlin, Joseph B. (2007) General Conference. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/10/the-great-commandment?lang=eng

Eternal Marriage

       As a child, day after day I looked at the picture of the Salt Lake Temple that was hanging on my bedroom wall, and knew that was where I wanted to be married. I wanted to be sealed to my husband for all eternity and have a fairy tale wedding and life.  I did get married in the Salt Lake Temple, but the fairy tale life is a myth.  I now know that adversity happens, no matter what, and we need to work at our marriage and take care of one another continually.

      When my husband and I were sealed in the Salt Lake Temple, we made covenants with each other and with our Heavenly Father. These covenants are the glue that holds our marriage together. We made a covenant to love and cherish each other and to remain faithful to one another. We covenanted to do all we can to make our family and home a safe, successful, spiritual, and happy environment. Elder Bruce C. Hafen says, “Covenant marriage requires a total leap of faith; [a couple] must keep their covenants without knowing what risks that may require of them. They must surrender unconditionally, obeying God and sacrificing for each other.” (1996) 

Elder David A. Bednar tells us that as we keep the covenants that we make in the temple, “we begin to realize the fulfillment that our Heavenly Father desires for His children. Ultimate happiness, which is the very object of the Father’s plan, is received through the making and honoring of eternal marriage covenants.” (2006) Knowing that we can obtain "ultimate happiness" helps me understand how covenant marriage fits into our Father’s Plan of Happiness.

      Elder Hafen talked about three wolves that can test our marriage. The first is natural adversity. In my mind, this wolf creeps in suddenly, takes us by surprise and can devastate our marriage and life if we allow it. When my three-month-old grandson died of SIDS, we were all reeling from the blow. His parents, my daughter and son-in-law, mourned the loss of that precious boy. With heavy hearts and determination to keep everything intact, they moved on, knowing that they will hold their baby again. 

     The second is the wolf of our imperfections. When we feel inadequate, we may not try to keep the covenants we have made. We may feel like it’s no use because we are failures. The Lord will qualify us to do what we need to do. He will strengthen us and our marriage if we keep trying. 

     The third wolf is excessive individualism. I think it’s good to be independent and self-reliant to a certain extent, but when we are a couple, we need to work as a couple, making decisions together that will affect our family unit. We share our lives and become one, each giving 100%.

     The blessings of the temple are immense! Through the covenants we make and keep with God, we will be endowed with power; power to resist temptation, power to receive revelation,and power to be sealed to our spouse and children by the Holy Spirit of Promise. What a blessing and a manifestation of our Heavenly Father's love to us!

References

Hafen, Bruce C., Covenant Marriage, Ensign, (1996) 

Bednar, David A., Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan. (2006). Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/liahona/2006/06/marriage-is-essential-to-his-eternal-plan?lang=eng 

Threat on Marriage

     I am a non-confrontational person. I try to avoid confrontation and contention at all costs. The debate on same-sex marriage is a hot, controversial, and sensitive topic today. While having a conversation about it with an acquaintance, after stating my belief, I was told I was old-fashioned, out-of-touch, and I lack understanding. Therefore, it is a topic I choose not to discuss with others, simply because I know the outcome. Now that I have confessed my cowardice, imagine my chagrin when I read Elder Russell M. Nelson’s words that he spoke to graduating BYU students when he said, “Disciples of the Lord are defenders of marriage, no matter how uncomfortable it might be.” (2014) When confronted, I need to state my beliefs on marriage. I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman. It has been that way since the creation; it makes sense, it is logical, it is God’s plan. 

     I believe that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God. In Genesis we read, “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth…” (Genesis 1: 1, 28) “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24) These verses show that marriage, between a man and a woman, is the basis of creating children. Creating children cannot physically happen if a couple of the same gender marry. Children should be given the chance to have both a mother and a father. The members of the American College of Pediatricians did a study of children being raised in an intact biological family, vs children being raised by a mother or a father in a same-sex relationship. The results showed that children being raised by both a mother and a father did much better socially, academically, financially, and emotionally. The study determines that “both mothers and fathers play crucial and qualitatively different roles in the socialization of the child.” (2013)

     In the Supreme Court case of Obergefell va Hodges, same-sex marriage was legalized in all fifty states and surrounding territories because five of the nine Justices voted it to be so. The four Justices in the Supreme Court who dissented, expressed concern that legalizing same-sex marriage would impinge on religious freedom and the family. They also stated that judicial overreach brings a threat to American democracy, the Constitution, and society (2015).

     Yes, I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman. I show respect to those who have differing opinions and life-styles, but I cannot back down. Elder Nelson stated, “As disciples of the Lord you will stand as defenders of marriage. And as you are true and faithful, not only will He help you and protect you, He will bless your families." (2014)

References:

1. Nelson, Russell M. (2014 August 14) Disciples of Jesus Christ – Defenders of Marriage Retrieved from https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/russell-m-nelson_disciples-jesus-christ-defenders-of-marriage/

2. American College of Pediatricians ( 2013 March ) Defending Traditional Marriage Retrieved from https://www.acpeds.org/the-college-speaks/position-statements/parenting-issues/defending-traditional-marriage

3. Obergefell v Hodges (2015, April 28) Retrieved from https://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/14pdf/14-556_3204.pdf

      When I was growing up, marriage was a vital and important part of life. My grandparents, parents, aunts, and uncles were all married and, as far as I knew, they were happily married. Whether or not that was true doesn’t matter, but it shows me they thought marriage was important enough to make it work. My parents were married over 67 years before my dad passed away. I have had great examples of marriage in my lifetime. 

      According to “The President’s Marriage Agenda,” Americans spend almost $50 billion each year on weddings, however, marriage is declining. Between 40 and 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce. In the United States today, more than half of the children born to women under the age of 30, are born outside of marriage. The number of unmarried, cohabitating couples have increased dramatically over the past decade. (The President’s Marriage Agenda, pp 1-6) 1

      Is marriage really important in today’s world or is it a concept that has gone by the wayside, like the old-fashioned girdle? Do we treat marriage the same way we treat a used paper towel, something that is disposable? Is cohabitation the new marriage? Do children really need to live with both biological parents to be a stable member of society? Let me address these questions to shed some light. 

      In The Family, A Proclamation to the World, the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints states, “Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and . . . the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.”2 This quote confirms in my mind that marriage is still important. It is God’s way to further His Plan of Happiness and we know that "God is the same yesterday, today, and forever, and in him there is no variableness neither shadow of changing." (Mormon 9:9)

       As stated previously, divorce is high. When almost half of first marriages end in divorce, we can see that it is the norm. We shouldn’t think of a first marriage as a starter marriage but as a binding relationship that needs to be nurtured. I know that there are circumstances that require a marriage to be severed in order to save the physical, emotional, spiritual, and/or mental health of a spouse. In April, 2007, President Dallin H. Oaks of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints gave a talk on divorce. He states, “All who have been through divorce know the pain and need the healing power and hope that comes from the Atonement.” President Oaks continues to speak to those who are still married and may be considering divorce. He states that with most marriage problems, divorce is not the answer, but repentance. He says that divorce is not an “all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache.” (Oaks, 2007)3 If couples work together to iron out their differences, and include God in their relationship, I believe many marriages could be saved. 

       I’ll touch briefly on the importance of marriage vs cohabitation. Paul R. Amato, a professor of sociology at Pennsylvania State University, did a study of the impact on the family and well-being of our children. He shows that “children growing up with two continuously married parents are less likely to experience a wide range of cognitive, emotional, and social problems, and are emotionally close to both parents and have a higher standard of living." (Amato, 2005)4 I know there are exceptions to every rule, but after reading his full study, and  observing first hand the benefits children have when living with both parents, I can honestly say, “I believe in marriage!”

References

1. “The State of Our Unions – Marriage in America 2012; Charlottesville, Va.; The National Marriage Project and Institute for American Values; Pages 1-6.

2. The Family, A Proclamation to the World, 1995, Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng&old=trueLinks to an external site.

3. Divorce, Elder Dallin H. Oaks, (2007). Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/05/divorce?lang=eng

4. Paul R. Amato; 2005; “The Impact of Family Formation Change in the Cognitive, Social, and Emotional Well-Being of the Next Generation;” Vol. 15.