Teach Your Children Well...

Being a mother changed my life.

My life changed when I became a mother. I did not know I could love so much, sleep so little, have so much joy, and so much sorrow. It was a blessing to watch my children grow. Celebrating their first steps, rejoicing when they talked, and applauding each stage of life, were joyful experiences. Andy and I taught them to choose the right, show respect, and love one another. Because of our love for our children, we disciplined them when necessary. I remember telling a friend, “Even though my children are young, now is the perfect time to teach them right from wrong.” 

     Just last week, I was over to my son’s house.  My almost-three-year-old granddaughter had pulled her older sister’s hair, and was sitting on a small stool, in time-out. As I watched her sitting solemnly, with her eyes downcast, I said to my son, “She’s so little.” He echoed similar words I had said years ago, “Now is the time to teach her to be kind to her sister.”

Twenty-three of our twenty-six grandchildren

Discipline

              Richard B. Miller, PhD, who is the director of the school of Family Life at Brigham Young University, gave an address at the BYU Conference on Family Life in 2008. He quotes from “Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball.”

Discipline is probably one of the most important elements in which a mother and father can lead and guide and direct their children…Setting limits to what a child can do means to that child that you love him and respect him. If you permit the child to do all the things he would like to do without any limits, that means to him that you do not care much about him. (TSWK pp. 340, 341)

The incident with my granddaughter reminds me of the scripture in the Book of Mormon, when King Benjamin speaks to the Nephites.  He says, “And ye will not suffer your children that they go hungry, or naked; neither will ye suffer that they transgress the laws of God, and fight and quarrel one with another . . .” (Mosiah 4:14) I am happy that my son loves his sweet, young daughter so much that he teaches her right from wrong.

Unity

     Parents should be unified when disciplining a child. It helps when a couple discusses appropriate ways to discipline, depending on the circumstance, then support each other in the child’s training. One parent should not undermine the other.  If there is a disagreement over the way one handled a situation, it is best for the parents to discuss it privately, and not in front of the child.  Miller (2008) states, “Except in cases of abuse, passively not supporting the other parent or actively undermining the authority of the other parent causes serious damage to children.” Miller quotes President Joseph F. Smith discussing the importance of supporting one another. I have included a portion of the quote.

Parents… should love and respect each other, and treat each other with respectful decorum and kindly regard, all the time. Then it will be easy for the parents to instill into the hearts of their children not only love for their fathers and mothers, not only respect and courtesy towards their parents, but love and courtesy and deference between the children at home. (Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, pp. 283-284)

Love

In John we read, “We love him, because he first loved us.” (John 4:19) Showing love to our children will go a long way when teaching them the important things in life.

Marital Intimacy

Getting married to Andy was so exciting! I could not wait until that day in March when we would be sealed together as a couple in the Salt Lake Temple. We avoided the temptation of being sexually intimate before the wedding, knowing the blessings we would receive in the House of the Lord on our wedding day. We made promises to always be faithful and love each other with all of our heart. The Lord has told us, “Thou shalt love thy [spouse] with all your heart and shalt cleave unto her [him] and none else.” D & C 42:22)

Sex before marriage

Shortly after our marriage, I was visiting with a woman in our apartment complex. She told me that a man, who lived next door to us, asked her for a date. I was excited for her and asked where they were going. She told me she didn’t accept the date because she didn’t feel like having sex that night. Her statement shocked me. I never thought a date meant being sexually involved!  In the New Era, Victor Cline said this about pornography and having sex outside of marriage,

Movies legitimize adultery, infidelity, and immorality because ‘the physical attraction is so beautiful.’ All they are doing is justifying irresponsibility, telling us that passion overwhelms and justifies all. Well, in my view this is an antisocial message, destructive and Satanic in impact. It degrades love, and it is destructive of human personality and male-female relationships. (1971 p. 11)

I was, and still am, grateful for my upbringing and being taught the law of chastity in my Young Women classes.

Fidelity in Marriage

            This week we have been learning about marital intimacy and the importance of becoming one. We learned there is an emotional depth in sexual intimacy within the bonds of marriage.  In Teachings of Presidents of the Church, President Harold B. Lee declares, “The divine impulse within every true man and woman that impels companionship with the opposite sex is intended by our Maker as a holy impulse for a holy purpose . . . to be reserved as an expression of true love in holy wedlock.” (2000, p. 112)

            Sean E. Brotherson, PhD, has an article written in Meridian Magazine, entitled, “Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage.”  He compares sexual intimacy in marriage to our temple blessings.  He says:

In our spiritual lives, we are counseled to return to the temple often after we have received our personal temple blessings to give of ourselves in service to others and be reminded of the great and powerful meaning of the standards that we have committed ourselves to live. Likewise, in our marital lives, a frequent return as a couple to the union of sexual intimacy makes it possible to give of ourselves in service to each other and be reminded of the commitment we have made to unity and fidelity and love to our marital companion. What a powerful blessing this can be to a marriage relationship! (Brotherson, p. 5)

What a remarkable way to explain the sacredness of our marriage relationship. When we are true to our temple and marriage covenants, we are blessed with peace, joy, and sweet companionship of our spouse and of the Holy Ghost.

            A final thought comes from the book, Drawing Heaven into your Marriage, by H. Wallace Goddard. He states, “Those who resist the lure and guile of Satan, those who honor covenants, those who tend the little garden of their own covenants, will enjoy sweetness in this life and rewards unmeasured in the world to come.” (2009, p. 96)

References

Cline, V.E., A Conversation on things of the spirit, pornography, and certain kinds of movies, books and magazines. New Era, May 1971, p. 11.

Lee, H. B. (2000). Teachings of presidents of the church, , p. 112.

Brotherson, S.E. (2003). Fulfilling the sexual stewardship in marriage. Meridian Magazine, www.meridianmagazine.com.


Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Taking Time for Each Other

In the book, “Drawing Heaven into your Marriage,” H. Wallace Goddard talks about the importance of showing love and looking for the good in our spouse.

  He states, “Certainly, it is better to light a candle on our partners’ qualities than to curse the darkness that can be found in every soul” (Goddard, 2009, p. 141). It’s easy to find things wrong with other people, especially those we see every day.  This Friday, Andy and I celebrate our forty-sixth wedding anniversary. I can honestly say I love and admire him more now than I did during the early years of marriage.  During that time, we were dealing with many children, who we loved very much, but who wore us out, tried our patience, and put a strain on our finances. Instead of going on weekly dates, turning toward one another, enhancing our love maps, and nurturing our fondness and admiration, as suggested in Gottman’s book, we got through each day, exhausted and in survival mode. 

Sometimes it’s hard to appreciate the good in one another when we don’t have the right tools.

 No matter how many children a couple may have, or how exhausted they are, or how busy they are with work, there are things to be done each day that take little time, but will help a marriage thrive.  In the book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” John M. Gottman, PhD, calls this time, the “Magic Six Hours.”  

Following is the list and summary of things to do to help make a marriage work.

• Partings. Make sure you know one thing that is happening in your spouse’s life that day.
• Reunions. Give a hug and a kiss that lasts 6 seconds. Engage in a stress-reducing conversation for at least 20 minutes.
• Admiration and appreciation. Communicate every day, genuine affection and appreciation toward your spouse. Genuinely say, ‘I love you.’
• Affection. Show each other physical affection when you’re together during the day and make sure to always embrace before going to sleep.
• Weekly date. This just-the-two-of-you time can be a relaxing, romantic way to stay connected.
• State of the union meeting. Select one hour a week to talk about your relationship this week.

The grand total is only 6 hours a week! Gottman states, “As you can see, the amount of time involved in incorporating these changes into your relationship is quite minimal.  Yet these six hours will help enormously in keeping your marriage on track” (Gottman, 2015, p. 279).

              The previous suggestions for helping a marriage thrive are good. If we do each of these things, we should be able to improve our relationship.  However, according to Goddard, “The Lord must be a partner if a relationship is to prosper.”  He continues to say, “We cannot create a vibrant marriage out of two people regardless of their talents, penchants, or country of origin.  It is not possible. We must have divine help” (Goddard, 2019, pp.145-146). 

The Lord cares about our marriage and about each one of us.  He tells us, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.” (Matthew 11:28-29) No matter where we are in our marriage, or how over-whelmed we are with children, school, work, or life, He will be there for us and make more out of our marriage than we can alone.

References

Goddard, H.W. (2009) Drawing heaven into your marriage. Cedar Hills, Utah: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J.M. (2015) The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

Managing Conflict in Marriage

Conflict in marriage is common, even for those who are happily married. When two people with different backgrounds, expectations, goals, habits, and personalities get together, there will be conflict. In the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John M. Gottman, PhD, states that every marriage has problems. He discusses two types of problems; perpetual (problems that will be with you all of your life) and solvable.  According to Gottman, 69 percent of marital problems are perpetual (Gottman, 2015).

Keep problems in their place!

            How do couples deal with these problems effectively?  Gottman tells us that couples who deal with problems have, “learned to keep [the problems] in their place and approach them with a sense of humor” (Gottman, 2015, p. 135). I know for a fact that having a sense of humor will soften a tense moment. Counting to ten, while taking a deep breath before speaking, also helps!

Andy and I are happily married, but, like other married couples, we have problems. One of our perpetual problems is; I am frugal with money, and Andy is an impulse buyer.  We have had money concerns throughout our marriage, especially when we were raising our children, so I have tried hard to keep our finances under control. We have joked that if it was up to me, we would live in a cardboard box; but the cardboard would have to be on sale, and I would need to purchase it with a coupon.  Following is an example of our differences.  In 1991, our oldest daughters were in their high school’s marching band. They performed their award-winning musical number during halftime at the homecoming football game.  I wanted to watch them perform, but it cost $7.00 to get in. Instead of paying the admission fee, I volunteered to work at the concession stand. Andy volunteered to stay home with the six youngest children.  I stood for almost two hours in the cold that night, handing out hot dogs and drinks so I could watch my daughters.  After the game, I went home and discovered that while I was working to save $7.00, Andy bought a new, $300 VCR!  We laugh about it now, but at the time, I was NOT laughing. He returned it the next day.  

Marriage can thrive despite our differences.

Though this event happened years ago, the “problem” still continues, but we can joke about it and avoid a major conflict.  Our marriage thrives in spite of our differences. It’s a good thing I am not like Andy and he is not like me with finances, otherwise we would really be in trouble!  Gottman discusses in his book that it’s OK if we don’t resolve every marriage conflict.  He states, “Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive” (Gottman, 2015).  

Forgiveness

In marriage, we need to give and take, forgive and repent, and love and be loved. When past differences are brought up, and held over one’s head, we become entrenched in conflict. We need to forgive one another and carry on.  In the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John M. Gottman, PhD, talks about the benefits of forgiveness in marriage.

For a marriage to go forward happily, you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments. This can be hard to do, but it is well worth it. When you forgive your spouse, you both benefit. Bitterness is a heavy burden. As Shakespeare wrote in The Merchant of Venice, mercy is twice blessed.  It blesses him that gives and him that takes. (2015 p. 159) 

In Ephesians, Paul tells us, “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:32) If we follow this advice, our marriage will be blessed with love, acceptance, and happiness.

References

Gottman, J. M. (2015) The seven principles for making marriages work, New York: Harmony Books

Beware of Pride

As a society, we are prideful.  We take pride in our material possessions, our accomplishments, our family, and our activities. Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, “Every mortal has at least a casual, if not intimate relationship, with the sin of pride. No one has avoided it. Few overcome it.”  President Ezra Taft Benson gave a General Conference talk thirty years ago. He talked about the sin of pride. He said, “I earnestly seek an interest in your faith and prayers as I strive to bring forth light on this Book of Mormon message—the sin of pride.  This message has been weighing heavily on my soul for some time. I know the Lord wants this message delivered now.”  (Benson 1989) That statement causes me to note the importance of his message.  He continues, “Pride is a very misunderstood sin, and many are sinning in ignorance.” To briefly summarize his talk and touch on the features of pride, I will use the acronym PRIDE.

• Pit our will against God’s—My will, not thine be done.
• Rebellion—we resist God’s word and the spiritual guidance from our leaders
• Increasingly offended—we look for excuses to be the victim.
• Disobedience—power struggle against someone in authority over us.
• Enmity toward God and our fellowman. Enmity is feeling hatred or hostility.

Pride manifests itself in every aspect of our life. I am guilty of this sin even though I may not recognize my actions as being prideful. In marriage, pride can tear a relationship apart.  In the book, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,” H. Wallace Goddard states, “When we are feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse, we have our back toward heaven. We are guilty of pride.”(2009) I don’t know of a married couple who hasn’t felt annoyed or irritated with each other in their relationship.  However, those who can overcome the sin of pride, will make amends and look for the good in one another.

How can we overcome pride?  In his talk, President Benson tells us, “The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, submissiveness.  It is the broken heart and the contrite spirit.” (Benson)When we are humble, we apologize for our offenses.  We recognize our imperfections and shortcomings, but we don’t beat ourselves up because of them. We pray for guidance and help in our daily activities, then listen to the promptings of the Holy Ghost. We acknowledge the strengths and talents of others and lift them up. We don’t take on the attitude, “it serves them right” when something bad happens to someone else, instead, we show compassion and charity.

I love the Primary song, “I’m Trying to be Like Jesus.”  If we follow the advice given in the song’s chorus, we can overcome pride and build relationships within our family and community.

  

“Love one another as Jesus loves you. 

Try to show kindness in all that you do. 

Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought, 

For these are the things Jesus taught."

References

Uchtdorf, D.F., General Conference (2010) “Pride and the priesthood” Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/pride-and-the-priesthood?lang=eng

Benson, E.T., General Conference (1989) “Beward of pride”, Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng

Goddard, W.H.,PhD, (2009) Drawing heaven into your marriage.  Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing

Turning Toward Each Other

Building trust in a marriage is very important.   In the book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” John M. Gottman declares that as a husband and wife turn toward each other, they are building mutual trust. Turning toward one another can be an easy thing to do.  It may be as simple as helping with the dishes, going for a walk together, discussing the events of the day, or even sitting next to each other in church.  This may seem trivial, but there are great benefits to doing this.  Gottman states, “Each time partners turn toward each other, they’re funding what I’ve come to call their emotional bank account.  They are building up savings that, like money in the bank, can serve as a cushion when times get rough. Because they have stored an abundance of goodwill, such couples are less likely to teeter over into distrust and chronic negativity during hard times.” (p. 88-89) Gottman continues, “The first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these mini-moments are, not only to your marriage’s trust level, but to its ongoing sense of romance.” (p.89)  When trials and tribulations come into a marriage, it may be harder to turn toward each other.  One partner may feel uncomfortable dealing with the trial and avoids it. 

Five years ago, I developed a severe eye infection called Acanthamoeba Keratitis. Because it is so rare, my doctor misdiagnosed.  The treatment given me for the first two weeks made it worse, and by the time I received the correct treatment, the pain was excruciating. I walked the floors day and night trying to get relief. The cure was almost as bad as the infection.  I had seven different eye drops, two of which were chlorine drops, that I put in my eye almost every hour. Andy did not know what to do.  He didn’t know how to turn toward me at first. He wanted to avoid the trial and hope it would go away. He ended up being a trooper.  He not only took time off from work to take me to the doctor every couple of days, but helped me with the chores around the house. While I sequestered myself in a darkened room, trying to find relief from the pain, he would visit with me, tell me events of the day, and bring me what I needed. After dealing with the pain for almost three weeks, my family and ward had a fast for me.  Andy gave me a blessing, and the pain subsided. Thinking back on that time, I realize how important it was for both Andy and I to turn toward each other. As a side note, after months of treatment and two corneal transplants, the sight in that eye never returned, but I have  no pain or infection.

Even though it was a difficult time, we had built up an emotional bank account throughout the years that allowed us to face this trial head on. I trusted Andy to care for me and love me regardless of the shape I was in. We also learned to turn toward and trust our Heavenly Father for strength and peace.  In the book, “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage,” H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, states, “When we have the eternal perspective on our marriages, everything is different.  Filled with faith, we might adapt Jesus’ advice as our mantra: ‘Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not’ (D&C 6:36).” (p.59)  As we put trust in each other and in God, our marriage is blessed with love, peace, and healing.

References

John M. Gottman, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Copyright 2015; published by Harmony Books, New York.

H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,"  2009, Joymap Publishing, Cedar Hills, Utah.

Let's Check Out Our Love Map

      The other day, my Relief Society President called to see if Andy and I would be part of the Newlywed game at our Ward Relief Society dinner.  She said, “I figured since you and Andy have been married a long time, you’ll know things about one another that our actual newlyweds won’t know.”  I consented and hung up from that conversation filled with fear and trepidation.  The day before the phone call, I asked Andy if he knew which school I am working at this year.  He admitted that he didn’t!  We are in trouble!

       Some married couples (like Andy and I) have a tendency to go about everyday activities, assuming they know what’s happening in the details of their spouse’s life, when, in fact, there are many attributes such as; likes, dislikes, fears, hopes, dreams, favorites, work places, and other details that go unnoticed.   In the book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” we read about love maps. John M Gottman, the author of the book, says:
       " . . . Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world.  I call this having a richly detailed love map---my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’ life.  Another way of saying this is that these couples have made plenty of cognitive room for their marriage." (Gottman, 2015, p.54)

     A map can lead to hidden treasure or a destination.  For me, a love map leads  to hidden treasure as I learn more about Andy. It also helps both of us get to the destination of a happy, thriving, and eternal marriage.  The more we know about  one another, the more we love each other.  Gottman states, “There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling  known and understood.” (p.57)

      Gottman has included in his book, sixty questions for couples to answer that will deepen their knowledge of each other and strengthen their love map. Andy and I discussed the questions.  Not only did I learn more about him, but I also learned about myself.  Some questions required thought and reflection, allowing me to dig deep emotionally. It was a good exercise that helped each of us get to know and appreciate the other even better.

       In the October 2009, General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Henry B. Eyring talked about showing love to our companions.  He gave us suggestions of how to nurture this love. He states:
       "Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small.  Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion."
   
      Building our love map will help facilitate President Eyring's suggestions. As I mentioned previously, I have learned many things about Andy that will help me pray in a way that will bring joy and happiness to his life and to our marriage.  I also learned that Andy’s favorite color is red.  I hope that’s one of the Newlywed game questions!

References

Gottman, J.M., (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Harmony Books

Eyring, H.B. October 2009 General Conference. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/10/our-perfect-example?lang=eng