In the book, “Drawing Heaven into your Marriage,” H. Wallace Goddard talks about the importance of showing love and looking for the good in our spouse.
He states, “Certainly, it is better to light a candle on our partners’ qualities than to curse the darkness that can be found in every soul” (Goddard, 2009, p. 141). It’s easy to find things wrong with other people, especially those we see every day. This Friday, Andy and I celebrate our forty-sixth wedding anniversary. I can honestly say I love and admire him more now than I did during the early years of marriage. During that time, we were dealing with many children, who we loved very much, but who wore us out, tried our patience, and put a strain on our finances. Instead of going on weekly dates, turning toward one another, enhancing our love maps, and nurturing our fondness and admiration, as suggested in Gottman’s book, we got through each day, exhausted and in survival mode.
Sometimes it’s hard to appreciate the good in one another when we don’t have the right tools.
No matter how many children a couple may have, or how exhausted they are, or how busy they are with work, there are things to be done each day that take little time, but will help a marriage thrive. In the book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” John M. Gottman, PhD, calls this time, the “Magic Six Hours.”
Following is the list and summary of things to do to help make a marriage work.
- Partings. Make sure you know one thing that is happening in your spouse’s life that day.
- Reunions. Give a hug and a kiss that lasts 6 seconds. Engage in a stress-reducing conversation for at least 20 minutes.
- Admiration and appreciation. Communicate every day, genuine affection and appreciation toward your spouse. Genuinely say, ‘I love you.’
- Affection. Show each other physical affection when you’re together during the day and make sure to always embrace before going to sleep.
- Weekly date. This just-the-two-of-you time can be a relaxing, romantic way to stay connected.
- State of the union meeting. Select one hour a week to talk about your relationship this week.
The grand total is only 6 hours a week! Gottman states, “As you can see, the amount of time involved in incorporating these changes into your relationship is quite minimal. Yet these six hours will help enormously in keeping your marriage on track” (Gottman, 2015, p. 279).
The previous suggestions for helping a marriage thrive are good. If we do each of these things, we should be able to improve our relationship. However, according to Goddard, “The Lord must be a partner if a relationship is to prosper.” He continues to say, “We cannot create a vibrant marriage out of two people regardless of their talents, penchants, or country of origin. It is not possible. We must have divine help” (Goddard, 2019, pp.145-146).
The Lord cares about our marriage and about each one of us. He tells us, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.” (Matthew 11:28-29) No matter where we are in our marriage, or how over-whelmed we are with children, school, work, or life, He will be there for us and make more out of our marriage than we can alone.
References
Goddard, H.W. (2009) Drawing heaven into your marriage. Cedar Hills, Utah: Joymap Publishing.
Gottman, J.M. (2015) The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.
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