You Have a Friend in Me!

     I once heard someone state, “Marriage is a crapshoot!  The outcome is unpredictable!”  I wondered at the time if that was true. I know of marriages that have failed--ending in divorce, separation, or continuing as an intact, but emotionless union.  What makes a marriage work?  Is it love, communication, compromise, respect, or similar interests?

     In the book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” John Gottman states, “. . . Happy marriages are based on deep friendship.  By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.  These couples tend to know each other intimately-they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams.” (p.21)   I believe that friendship is a culmination of the qualities I mentioned earlier.  It may take a little while to develop a deep friendship, as Gottman states, and know each other intimately, but it will come if we try.

     The first three months of my marriage were a bit rocky.  Before marriage, my husband, Andy, and I lived forty-five miles apart. After our wedding, I moved away from everything familiar and excitedly set up house in his hometown.  The first week was bliss! We had so much fun getting to know one another and settling into our new routines. Andy was going to school so I needed a full-time job to help support his endeavor. My father-in-law helped me secure a job at a trucking company as the front desk receptionist. I HATED that job!  It was all I could do to get up in the morning and go to work. My husband knew that I didn't love the job, but I did not want to bring any negativity into our marriage, so I kept the hate inside, unable to communicate my true feelings. I wanted to quit the job, but did not want to look like an irresponsible person in the eyes of my new husband, father-in-law, and employer.  I felt trapped and found myself longing for my previous life.

My husband's rendition of my feelings after our first month of marriage. 

    I became despondent, unable or unwilling to communicate my feelings.  One evening, my husband firmly, but with great patience, insisted I tell him everything. After spilling my guts, he suggested I quit the job, even though I had told him of my concerns.  He suggested we fast and pray so that I would have the courage and strength to talk to my boss.  I did quit my job, which lifted a burden from our marriage.  We were back to having bliss in our marriage, and I found a new job that I enjoyed. Through this ordeal, I learned the importance of communication, love, respect, and friendship.

     Gottman states that a “mutual understanding of each other on a core emotional level” is called attunement, and may take some time and work to achieve that level. He continues to say, "as we develop attunement, the more our friendship will deepen and the more promising our future”. Andy and I did not have that mutual understanding when we were first married, but we have developed it over the years.

     Marriage is a journey that has hills and valleys.  There will be unpredictable events during this journey, but couples can work together to make the road smoother by nurturing their friendship and by "follow[ing] after righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience and meekness" (Timothy 6:11).  In the October, 2007, General Conference, Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin proclaimed, “True love (friendship) lasts forever.  It is eternally patient and forgiving.  It believes, hopes, and endures all things.”  This love and friendship is what I continually strive for in my marriage.

References

Gottman, John M. (2015) "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." New York, Harmony Books

Wirthlin, Joseph B. (2007) General Conference. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/10/the-great-commandment?lang=eng