The other day, my Relief Society President called to see if Andy and I would be part of the Newlywed game at our Ward Relief Society dinner. She said, “I figured since you and Andy have been married a long time, you’ll know things about one another that our actual newlyweds won’t know.” I consented and hung up from that conversation filled with fear and trepidation. The day before the phone call, I asked Andy if he knew which school I am working at this year. He admitted that he didn’t! We are in trouble!
Some married couples (like Andy and I) have a tendency to go about everyday activities, assuming they know what’s happening in the details of their spouse’s life, when, in fact, there are many attributes such as; likes, dislikes, fears, hopes, dreams, favorites, work places, and other details that go unnoticed. In the book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” we read about love maps. John M Gottman, the author of the book, says:
" . . . Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. I call this having a richly detailed love map---my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’ life. Another way of saying this is that these couples have made plenty of cognitive room for their marriage." (Gottman, 2015, p.54)
A map can lead to hidden treasure or a destination. For me, a love map leads to hidden treasure as I learn more about Andy. It also helps both of us get to the destination of a happy, thriving, and eternal marriage. The more we know about one another, the more we love each other. Gottman states, “There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood.” (p.57)
Gottman has included in his book, sixty questions for couples to answer that will deepen their knowledge of each other and strengthen their love map. Andy and I discussed the questions. Not only did I learn more about him, but I also learned about myself. Some questions required thought and reflection, allowing me to dig deep emotionally. It was a good exercise that helped each of us get to know and appreciate the other even better.
In the October 2009, General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Henry B. Eyring talked about showing love to our companions. He gave us suggestions of how to nurture this love. He states:
"Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion."
Building our love map will help facilitate President Eyring's suggestions. As I mentioned previously, I have learned many things about Andy that will help me pray in a way that will bring joy and happiness to his life and to our marriage. I also learned that Andy’s favorite color is red. I hope that’s one of the Newlywed game questions!
References
Gottman, J.M., (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Harmony Books
Eyring, H.B. October 2009 General Conference. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/10/our-perfect-example?lang=eng
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