Turning Toward Each Other

Building trust in a marriage is very important.   In the book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” John M. Gottman declares that as a husband and wife turn toward each other, they are building mutual trust. Turning toward one another can be an easy thing to do.  It may be as simple as helping with the dishes, going for a walk together, discussing the events of the day, or even sitting next to each other in church.  This may seem trivial, but there are great benefits to doing this.  Gottman states, “Each time partners turn toward each other, they’re funding what I’ve come to call their emotional bank account.  They are building up savings that, like money in the bank, can serve as a cushion when times get rough. Because they have stored an abundance of goodwill, such couples are less likely to teeter over into distrust and chronic negativity during hard times.” (p. 88-89) Gottman continues, “The first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these mini-moments are, not only to your marriage’s trust level, but to its ongoing sense of romance.” (p.89)  When trials and tribulations come into a marriage, it may be harder to turn toward each other.  One partner may feel uncomfortable dealing with the trial and avoids it. 

Five years ago, I developed a severe eye infection called Acanthamoeba Keratitis. Because it is so rare, my doctor misdiagnosed.  The treatment given me for the first two weeks made it worse, and by the time I received the correct treatment, the pain was excruciating. I walked the floors day and night trying to get relief. The cure was almost as bad as the infection.  I had seven different eye drops, two of which were chlorine drops, that I put in my eye almost every hour. Andy did not know what to do.  He didn’t know how to turn toward me at first. He wanted to avoid the trial and hope it would go away. He ended up being a trooper.  He not only took time off from work to take me to the doctor every couple of days, but helped me with the chores around the house. While I sequestered myself in a darkened room, trying to find relief from the pain, he would visit with me, tell me events of the day, and bring me what I needed. After dealing with the pain for almost three weeks, my family and ward had a fast for me.  Andy gave me a blessing, and the pain subsided. Thinking back on that time, I realize how important it was for both Andy and I to turn toward each other. As a side note, after months of treatment and two corneal transplants, the sight in that eye never returned, but I have  no pain or infection.

Even though it was a difficult time, we had built up an emotional bank account throughout the years that allowed us to face this trial head on. I trusted Andy to care for me and love me regardless of the shape I was in. We also learned to turn toward and trust our Heavenly Father for strength and peace.  In the book, “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage,” H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, states, “When we have the eternal perspective on our marriages, everything is different.  Filled with faith, we might adapt Jesus’ advice as our mantra: ‘Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not’ (D&C 6:36).” (p.59)  As we put trust in each other and in God, our marriage is blessed with love, peace, and healing.

References

John M. Gottman, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Copyright 2015; published by Harmony Books, New York.

H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,"  2009, Joymap Publishing, Cedar Hills, Utah.